I Might Become a Stalker September 12, 2010

Nut Case #1 January 15, 2010

Our house growing up was always a fun place for people to hang out. My Mom made it so warm and inviting with great food always available and freedom to be yourself. Unfortunately, a few creeps filtered into the Norman Rockwell painting and as any young girl can imagine, it was hard to have any privacy when certain guests didn’t seem to get the hint that it was time to leave. One night, my friend Debbie and I were sitting in our front room and freaked out to see a flattened face appear high above the drapes in the big picture window. I blinked and it was gone, but we both had seen it and dashed into the back room hugging each other and stifling our screams. We had an idea who the unwelcome lurker was. A creep had exceeded the creep factor scale and had been banned from our house, but couldn’t seem to take the rejection from both of us. We were not like going to call the police or anything, it was more of an annoyance issue than a fear factor…….or so we thought.

During Spring break, my junior year of high school, my Mom rented a beach house on the Texas coast. My two brothers loved to fish. They each brought a friend. Our Beagle, Linus loved the beach and was thrilled to be included. Debbie, who was like a sister completed the group. We were looking forward to a week of nothing to do but have fun in the sun.  Creepos were the farthest thing from my mind as we ran barefoot in the sand. We squeezed lemon juice on our hair and coated ourselves with baby oil and iodine, our home remedy for a tan sure to get the attention of all the cool surfer dudes on the beach. We both agreed that it would be totally tacky to wear the same bikinis more than once, so we took off into Port A to peruse the shell shops in search of the tiniest ones my Mom would let us get away with. We both fell in love with the same madras plaid patchwork design and set off in search of matching  flip flops. I was engrossed in a shopping induced high, when Debbie grabbed my arm and pointed up at a hideous thing hanging on the wall. “What IS that?”  Yuck, I said. There were several of them hanging all over the ceiling and walls . Faces carved into coconut shells, each one different but equally unsettling. “I’m done here” Debbie said as we paid for our treasures and  left without another glance at the frozen  faces peering at us from every angle. We caught up with Mom while she was fishing on the pier and checked the crab nets that we had set out early that morning. “This one’s really heavy” Debbie called to me. She pulled it up above the waters surface expecting to see a huge crab, but screamed and let go of the net. Before it sunk back into the cloudy depth, we saw a head that had been tied with strings and tiny crabs were clawing at the eyeballs. “It’s one of those coconuts!” she cried. Linus had been sitting next to my Mom, but he came running and barking and was ready to jump off the pier. Debbie would have nothing to do with checking the rest of the nets and I was ready to skip the crab gumbo myself. Yeah, right, it was just a coconut with a face, but we both saw the uncanny resemblance of the flattened features to another nut head that we thought was lurking back in San Antonio……..that’s what we thought……..

image found at funchase.com

My brothers had caught some fish and managed to bring in the crab nets with the hideous water logged head still tangled inside of one of them. “Yeah, this does look just like old what’s his face” my younger brother,  Tracy said, laughing.Poor Linus would go into a barking frenzy every time he saw the skull and he was not a barker. He had actually slept through several episodes that would have driven most dogs crazy. My Mom had enough of it, but she walked around the kitchen singing”Put the lime in the coconut and shake it all up” which had us all rolling on the floor laughing. She wrapped it in newspaper and threw it onto the grill before the boys started the fire for hamburgers. They had fun trying to smoulder the damp shell as they cremated the remains and the smell was grossing me out.”Bunch of pyromaniacs.”Debbie accused them before we both went to check out our degree of skin darkness and blonde highlights. “Keep that up and you’re going to look like negative images of yourself.” My older brother chided us. He could be depended on to tease us, though I knew he had a crush on Debbie.

With the combination of sun and an awesome dinner of stuffed crab, shrimp and burgers, we all fell asleep on the screened sleeping porch listening to the calming sound of the sea, complimented by the always easy listening croons of the Beach Boys. Blame it on too much salt water or whatever, but I woke up with an extreme case of cotton mouth and really needed to pee. My ever glowing chronograph watch said 2am. It took a few seconds to remind myself where I was. The Beach Boys cassette tape was long gone, but I heard the waves spurred by the winds, punctuated by thunder. I laid there trying to adjust my eyes to the darkness, hoping not to stumble over bodies as I made my way to the potty. I had my trusty mini flashlight beside me for occasions such as this. I tried not to shine it into any eyes of the many sleeping beauties as I made my way to the potty. It had started to rain and a blinding flash of lightning gave me a strobe light view for an instant. I made a dash for the bathroom followed by the kitchen to take a swig of fishy tasting tap water. Debbie was awake when I crawled back into my bed. I saw her with her arms crossed behind her head staring up at the top of the screened door. “I thought they burned it” she whispered. What? “That stupid head”she sobbed with that deer in the headlights look. A bolt of lightening illuminated the sky and I saw that same creepy flattened face that had haunted us 175 miles away…….

I have to admit…I lost it. We all did. The power was knocked out for two hours that night at the coast. This was long  before the time of cell phones, we were lost. My little pocket flashlight could only shine so far and by this time Debbie and I were so freaked out, I for one did not really want to see anything after that face leering in at us. My brothers and their friends were so cool. BV drove to the police station while  Anthony made chilequillas for everybody. Dave went outside with a baseball bat ready to attack our predator. The rain was a blessing and the softened ground enabled the police to identify the footprints all around the house. The only tracks were traced back to the flat faced stalker who had followed us all this way. He was already accused of numerous other crimes, the most significant was negligent homicide,  and it was obvious that we were the target of his next one.

Born to be a Bitch January 2, 2010

In high school even junior school, girls tend to be in clicks and be pretty catty to each other, but usually once they get to college they are over it. I think it is disturbing though, to see women in their nineties tottering around with their noses in the air, dressed to the nines with gobs of make up and jewelry just being plain rude to anyone unfortunate to have to deal with them. You would think by then they would realize how important sincere friendship and humility is. Some bitches never learn.

Morning Run October 5, 2009

They say don’t get into a predictable routine, especially  if you are a female running alone. I am hardly ever alone on my runs, unless it starts drizzling and all the walkers flee for their cars like as if they would melt. There have been a few times that I felt a little uncomfortable and often times just annoyed at the nerve of some people. Yesterday morning, before my run, I was sitting in my car, putting on sunblock and lip gloss and a creepy little guy with large round specs tapped on the window.I recognized him as one of these people.  I pretended not to see him until he became too obnoxious to ignore. He had bothered me before and I am not usually rude, but the last time he started a conversation with me, he got a little too familiar.  He already knew I was married, so WTF why would he not back off? Lack of education and just plain ignorance was my guess, but I finally rolled down the window and he was so excited to tell me that my back right tire was flat. That’s all….thanks, dude. Kind of felt bad, just trying to be a hero.

If Mama Had A Baby September 10, 2008

….and the baby looked like you…UGLY BABY,

Chupacabraranian

 UGLY BABY

Spooky may be pregnant……not sure who the father is, but we have no one stepping up to take the blame.

Looking For Mr. Goodboss August 10, 2008

It’s not my job….I thought, but I said sure. I agreed to go out to a bar with my boss, I’ll call her Vivian. “It’s my birthday” she whined. Her boy friend was out of town, lucky dude, so I felt a twinge of guilt that she would spend this special day alone.”We will make a stunning pair” she oozed. “With your dark hair and brown eyes and my bright blue eyes and platinum hair…..the men will flock to our table” I picked her up, I was the designated driver. This was a mistake as I soon found out that her idea of going out for a beer ended sometime the next morning. It was a Monday night, the only night that I didn’t have to work. She works week days and I worked mostly nights and week ends.  We sat at a table in the local tavern called the Smuggler’s Inn and immediately caught the attention of the sleaziest guys in the bar, the only guys in the bar. “See, what did I tell you? We make a stunning pair” she repeated for the tenth time. Our two suitors slithered up to our table, a blonde and a brunette, what a coincidence, I thought. They were equally matched as far as being beer blind and desperate. My boss seemed to forget that she had a boyfriend, a fiance, in fact, when she looked into the eyes of  this new Romeo. She chose the dark greasy haired guy and winked at me. Go for it, I thought. I sat and listened to the slurred speech of my blonde bubbly second choice. Every time a waitress came by and asked if we needed our drinks refreshened, he would shout “Scotch,scotch,scotch I love scotch” His friend Romeo would bellow”Una mas cervesa, por favor Senorita” My boss, I’m changing her name to Juliet, would roar with laughter, even louder after the tenth beer and scotch, scotch,scotch.  Finally, it was time to leave, the exhausted waitresses were putting chairs on tables and turning out lights. “Just one more gin and RC cola, por favor, Senorita” Juliet pleaded. She still had a watered down drink in front of her. She took a sip right before the waitress poured her ash tray into it. Time to go, I went to the ladies room and when I came back, Juliet was giving out my phone number to these losers! “I can’t have them calling my apartment” she hissed. What a sleaze, I thought. I drove her home and was looking forward to sleeping  until I had to go to work eight hours later. It was a tiresome night and I was feeling paranoid. Was I seeing headlights behind me as I turned down Oakdale street? I pulled into my neighbor’s driveway and waited until the car drove slowly past……No fear, I thought, my two brother’s would have their air soft guns ready if I had a problem. I plopped on the bed  and was almost asleep, when I remembered….my bruds were out of town with Mom ’til next week-end.

Shit!!!!!!

My ole boss....what a hotty